I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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