____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
