I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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