Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
