Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
