Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
