The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
