i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
