plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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