She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
