I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
