No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
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