I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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