alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
