the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Hello my rib-scented angel!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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