sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
