I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
