even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
