I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
