Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Randomize
