hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Randomize
