pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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