he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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