My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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