Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
