Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
