Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
