Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
