She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
