you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You don't make any sense
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