Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
