if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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