I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
