You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
