Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
