it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
