I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
