but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
