bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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