I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
