Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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