i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
