i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
