I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
whose parrot is this?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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