This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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