I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
