Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
