Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
