Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
