where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
